On the Ubiquity of Fear

Fear.

Fear is insidious. It sneaks in through the back door, not wanting me to see it, and takes up residence in the back rooms, where nobody ever goes, in the spare bedroom that is never used.

I feel fear, a lot.

If there is one emotion that has dominated most of my life, it is fear.

And, I didn’t even know it, because fear disguises itself as other things. It likes to show up in various forms: as discontent, or depression, or self-righteousness, or anxiety.

But, now I recognize it for what it is: just plain old fear.

I am fearful today because it is the start of a new school year, another 9 months of teaching, and while crazy stuff happens as a teacher, there is so much disrespect and outright resistance to learning, and students say terrible things, mostly in emails, sometimes in person, in-class, the truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Maybe a school shooting, but that’s of minimal risk, like worrying about getting struck by lightning during a summer storm or gobbled up by a shark at the beach on the weekend. These things happen, but the chances are miniscule.

I have nothing to fear.

I fear the craziest stuff too, like I won’t have anything to say to these new classes of students, that all of a sudden, my mind will draw a complete blank, and I will stand in front of the room stuttering and stammering and fighting to find something worthwhile to say.